Heidi Klum has a bone to pick with a German butcher to the tune of $2500. Now that's bad news for Herr Butcher since he eeks out his meager existence on 300 per week. Now how could poor old Hienz Frank have ticked off high and mighty Heidi. Well it seems that Herr Hienzy used Klum's coveted likeness without permission. Hienz was looking for a way to push the wieners, and based on the principle that sex sells, decided that posting up a pretty lady's picture between the pig guts and ham hocks might peek shoppers interest. Who knows, one appetite might whet another.
So with inspiration still burning feverishly in his German noggin', ole Hienzy went off to the Internet - the source of so much mischief, and downloaded a picture of the prettiest Fraulein he could find. Then back to the shop to hang it up in a place of honour admist the weinersnitzels. Now unfortunately for him the Fraulein in the window was none other than the most famous German on the planet after Pope Benedict 16.
Ms Klum was not well pleased. When her minions found out, they informed the lawyers, and Klum's crack team of Krauts got on the case faster than you can say Blitzkrieg! They served Herr Wiener Miester with a cease and desist order, plus a fine for Heidi's troubles. So the sound of smug German laughter rang out through the halls of Heidengarten before Herr Butcher's head had stopped spinning. I'm surprised he wasn't slapped with a pain and suffering claim; it's not like Frau Klum is some sort of Miss Brautwurst of Bravia or anything.
Now Hienzy can explain. He says that as far as he knew, Heidi was just some random blonde off of the Internet. In fact he says that he had 'no idea'. Trouble is that particular excuse got played out in the ten years after WW2. By the 60's it had become the Hogan's Heroes punchline of beefy obersargent Shultz who "knew nothing". The 1st objection to the ignorance defence would be how did he get her pic? - by googling Hot Bitch? Unlikely since that only turns up Paris Hilton (The ideal choice for moving sausage!! She's ground more beef in her day than Herr Heinz might ever dream of!). Besides, as stated, Klum is the 2nd most famous German on the planet. She's known through out the Vaterland, since if there's one thing Gerry likes to do is brag at the top of his raucous German voice. Why the Germans haven't had that much to get excited about since Xenia Seeberg became the first German ever to make the cover of TV Guide (I'd have thought that the redoubtable John Banner would've beaten her to that one!). So unless Hienz has been hiding under the bed with his fingers in his ears while being beaten over the head with a skillet for the past tens years, he had to have at least some vague idea who German's greatest export after to Volkswagen was.So the upshot of it is that everyone thinks Heidi's latent German Monster Gene has become active. For a woman who routinely makes Forbes highest paid fashion model index to go after some poor bugger who is struggling to reach the poverty line is a bit much. However you have to see it from Frau Klum's position. Her face is her fortune, ergo her image is valuable. It's valuable beyond the few meager Deutschmarks Herr Hamhock might've rustled together with it. It's the matter of it being displayed in a butchershop window, smiling blandly among those greasy German sausages. She just can't afford to have the image she trades on degraded in such a way. Besides, Hienzy really deserved a slap on das knuckles for relying on such a lame excuse for a lame excuse! Smarten up, man!
PS: Lest you think that I've gone a little hard on Das Krauts, it should be stated that their national character isn't really their fault. If they come off as arrogant, ignorant, and overbearing just mark it down to that language of theirs. It's only fit for barking out orders - and whatever said in it sounds like swearing!
For more on the meat of the issue go to this interesting site on German Sausage!
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