Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly believe this! I feel so coked-up! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to read in the tabloids that even in my wildest fits of self-loathing, I never would have fantasized that this could ever validate my mediocrity. And to the other suck-ass nominees, I want each of you to know how totally mega-pumped your lackluster applause makes me feel right now!
You know when they first told me I wasn't blonde enough, I just had to take a Xanax and obsess about how unaesthetic my love scenes have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda wrinkly
You know, there are so many back-stabbing two-faced harpies to thank! First off though, I want to pay off the self-congratulatory circle jerks of the Academy, who looked deep within their lint-encrusted navels before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank my guru, for being such a powerful force in my loins. And to the hooker with the heart of gold, who taught me to take life by the balls. And finally, to all the sycophantic talk show hosts - I couldn't have done it without you!
The above pseudo speech was generated with the help of Chickenhead.com
For the real pseudo speaches, you'll have to wait until Oscar night!!!
... and what would Oscar night be without this??
Alcohol Abuse-Excuses1. Everybody else is doing it so why shouldn't I?2. I only drink on weekends.3. I don't see anything bad happening to me so far.4. I can stop anytime I want to.5. I am the way I am.6. I'll only do it for a while.7. If I didn't do this I'd be doing something worse.8. I only do it to relax.9. My problem is no worse than yours.10. We all have to die sometime.11. What I do is not binge drinking.12. I'm not an alcoholic.13. Drinking helps me forget my problems.14. I don't want to be left out.15. I'm not hurting anybody but myself.16. I only get drunk once in a while.17. Drinking helps me overcome my shyness.18. It helps me relate better to other people.19. It's only a problem if you do it everyday.20. Now is not a good time to stop.21. If I don't drink, they'll think I'm a snob.22. I'm not nearly as bad as other people.23. It's rude to refuse.24. I only drink a little.25. I don't have a problem.26. Drinking helps me to be more confident.27. Nobody is going to tell ME what to do.
If I only drink a little, then why am I drunk a lot? These excuses aren't restricted to alcohol, but can also apply to any kind of substance abuse, eating disorders, compulsive fornicating (that means you, David Duchovny!), or any other 'borderline' activity you care to name!
In case you think that Mocksure is being too hard on the celebs, just remind yourself that their goal is nothing less then total world domination! They're prepared to destroy anything resembling culture in the process!
Celebrities and Psychobombs
Speaking of hell bent on world domination: The UFO segment of mocksure's previous posting was such a success that it's going to be followed up with this entertaining and informative video!
Close Encounters of the Shagadelic Kind!
Some important things to remember about alien encounters: One UFO unaccounted for is one UFO too many - apparently they're like sperm cells. It only takes one to cause untold havoc! Pink haired moon women are the only barrier between us and extra terrestrial mayhem!
Don't talk to strangers
Also never ever pick up hitchhikers. You never know whether they might be brainwashed alien zombies - no matter how average they may seem! It goes without saying that you must never break the chain link fence of a government high security area, no matter what the voices in your head tell you. If you do then you might wind up stripped, X rayed, rectally probed, and dressed in a karate outfit!
Culture War: A Secret History!
Alien encounters are actually a very serious problem. We've been secretly battling them since 1980, at least according to 1970 Sci Fi. These days I fear that our enemies have abandoned the direct approach. They appear to have infiltrated the entertainment industry, and are mounting an assault on Earth's culture and value system. Though the work of George Lucas, Steven Spielberg and Gene Roddenbery aroused suspicions, celebrities constantly meddling in Earth politics was a give away.
They Live!
Though they may appear outwardly human, they require frequent plastic surgery to maintain the disguise. Over time this becomes recognizable in the form of huge collagen lips, shiny botoxed foreheads, an absence of natural facial expressions, and facial skin that is stretched tight as a drum! If you spot one of these creatures, turn off your TV or exit the movie theater immediately! They depend on your attention for their existence. The future of humanity is at stake!
Download the complete UFO series, free, at TVShowLinks. Get your fix of The Prisoner here - AMC.
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